It finally happened. Nore (Jean-Pierre) came back online (after an extended period of just POOF-GONE), and we finally had that conversation, the one about how I replaced him while he was gone. I could call it other things, and try to phrase it so it's prettier, but the fact is, I was crazy about him, and then he disappeared, so I found someone to fill the space he left. Sometimes, I think I'm psychotic, because I was calm and told him what happened, and what our options were now (it being an open relationship I have with Liode), and then, he finally just exploded (rightfully so), and I just stayed calm, and then he was gone. What I did to him was a total dick-move, and I feel like crap. I just flipped the switch, and talked it out calmly, like a total cunt (probably). I didn't cry until he'd told me he was going to close the window, and basically, that he was done.
Jean-pierre Paraschiv: I'm not interested. Not anymore. I usually leave a chance or two, but I don't plan on getting marched upon.
Jean-pierre Paraschiv: Not with the lies you've riddled this scenery.
Jean-pierre Paraschiv: You don't tell someone they're basically the essence of your life and then right after that, run off with someone else.
Jean-pierre Paraschiv: That's just bullshit.
The thing is, I'm not really crying about losing him, because I did this, so I have to face the consequences, and I know this is all my fault. BUT, I am crying for the guilt of what I have done to hurt/damage him, and how really awful I have been, and the consequences of what I have done. I never meant to hurt anyone. I didn't even really want to meet boys and date, I just got desperate. I was just trying to fill a hole, and Nore... Nore was so much like the boy I was trying to replace. I could have, I think, loved him THAT way, because I could cross over my memories from Jacob onto him, and then him onto my memories of Jacob, because they were such a similar body type and personality, and eventually, it might have been REAL again. And that makes me even more horrid of a person. And now, Now Liode is caught up in this too, because HE loves me just the same as Nore did, and I'm in this huge fucking mess, and it's all entirely my own fault, simply because I was impatient, and lonely, and desperate. All this time, I've been feeling guilty about Liode, and how I feel about him. I try SO hard to tell myself that he is AWESOME to me, so so much more awesome than Jacob ever was or ever would have been. Liode treats me so good, and he's so sweet, and thoughtful, and devoted, and I WANT to FEEL *THAT* thing, that floating, dizzy, obsessive, powerful feeling, but it's just not there. I love him for who he is, and what he does for me, but I'm not crazy obsessed in love with him, and it really fucking sucks. That warm, shaky, intense, dizzy feeling - I never feel that - unless I'm recalling something of jacob. All these things I have done, all the people I have effected in this stupid charade of mine, all of them are being used by me, and I have no right to any respect from them, but I just can't do ANYTHING but love the man I love... Jacob. And while I know that other people SHOULD be respected and treated as people of their own right, and that I can't replace one with another, the fact is, I only really want one thing, and the one thing I want would have eliminated ALL of this from ever happening: I just still want to be with Jacob. I want to never have broken up. I want to still be begging him to allow me to touch his arm in public. I want to beg him to sleep with me. I want to hang on every glance he turns in my direction. I want to revel in the honor of him wearing *just* my blanket to go get something out of his car again, I want it all to be just like it was before, when I was happy.

What I should have done, the right thing to have done, would have been to just be ALONE, and wait. But Jacob may never change his mind, and being alone sucks so much! So I have this giant fucking hole where something is missing, and unfortunately, some innocent people got sucked into that void because I thought it could be filled with a replacement, but it turns out, nothing fills that void, and all my intentions to be happy and content were simply misguided, and ended up already severely hurting one person, with another right there in the path of this terrible destruction that I am. I'm so tired now. Emotionally, physically, psychologically, just dead. I doubt he'll ever even know this blog exists, but just on the off hand he does...

Jacob... Please. Please, please. I love you!